Texts From My Uncle Sev
by Lemo Smith
Summary: Severus gets a phone... and he needs some help. Written from Draco's POV, other info inside.


**Once again, a monster off a fic that nearly bit my head off. Ugh, I don't even want to THINK about this anymore. It took me the entire afternoon of a day to finish. This is entirely my fault, because I started a chat with Beersmoo (who is called Severus Snape in my contacts :D and I'm Draconis Malfoy in hers! XD how awesome is that?) which became a text fic. It's co-posted with her, and you can see Sev's end of the conversation on her account. But read mine first! Haha. **

**I really hate myself now. Do you know how much research I had to do? The numbers are in the same format as in Scotland/the UK, thanks to me. And those numbers have some special meanings. You wanna know them? Try to figure it out, or if not, drop me a PM.**

**The summary: Severus gets a phone... and he needs some help. **

**The backstory: Sev's in Hogsmeade, specifically the Three Broomsticks, and he texts Draco who's in the same room. He's called Uncle Sev on Draco's phone because Draco likes to make him seem really old.**

**The warning(s): Humour?**

**Any mistakes are all mine, and I don't care anymore if there are. I'm done looking through this monstrosity. I hope somebody liked this though. PLEASE review, because I almost cried when I wrote this.**

* * *

><p><span>You Have A New Message!<span>

From:0131 738 3787

_Draco, I finally got a hang of this device._

_... ... ..._

**Wow, never pegged u as 1 to use a handphone, Sev**

Send Message to: Uncle Sev?

Message Sent to Uncle Sev

_... ... ..._

You Have A New Message!

From: Uncle Sev

_What am I supposed to use a cellular phone for anyway? You're right across the room._

__... ... ...__

You Have A New Message!  
><span>From: Uncle Sev<span>

_Wait why do I have a message from Shacklebolt?_

__... ... ...__

**Huh? Why does shacklebolt have ur num?**

Send Message to: Uncle Sev ?

Message Sent to Uncle Sev

_... ... ..._

**And lol Sev it's so that u dun have to make a sound or get up 2 talk 2 me**

Send Message to: Uncle Sev ?

Message Sent to Uncle Sev

_... ... ..._

**U wanna have some quality time with Shacklebolt? ;)**

Send Message to: Uncle Sev ?

Message Sent to Uncle Sev

_... ... ..._

You Have A New Message!  
><span>From: Uncle Sev<span>

_It's from a number,__0135 464 7539__, and it says: Hello Severus. Got your number from Lucius. Congrats on finally joining us in the modern world. This is my personal phone, if you have anything Ministry related pls get my office from Lucius or Arthur. -Kingsley :)_

__... ... ..._  
><em>

You Have A New Message!  
><span>From: Uncle Sev<span>

_Well that's absolutely redundant then. If I wanted to tell you something without moving then I could use Legilimency or a Patronus._

__... ... ..._  
><em>

**-.- seriously Sev...**

Send Message to: Uncle Sev ?

Message Sent to Uncle Sev

_... ... ..._

You Have A New Message!  
><span>From: Uncle Sev<span>

_Why did Lucius even bother getting me this._

__... ... ...__

**Father's using it too? How come he didn't give me his num**

Send Message to: Uncle Sev ?

Message Sent to Uncle Sev

_... ... ..._

**Hold on**

Send Message to: Uncle Sev ?

Message Sent to Uncle Sev

_... ... ..._

**Reply reply!**

Send Message to: Uncle Sev ?

Message Sent to Uncle Sev

_... ... ..._

**To shacklebolt I mean**

Send Message to: Uncle Sev ?

Message Sent to Uncle Sev

_... ... ..._

You Have A New Message!  
><span>From: Uncle Sev<span>

_What? No, I most certainly will not have a tryst will Shacklebolt!_

__... ... ...__

**Lol jk! ;D**

Send Message to: Uncle Sev ?

Message Sent to Uncle Sev

_... ... ..._

You Have A New Message!  
><span>From: Uncle Sev<span>

_Your father's number is __0136 253 6977__._

__... ... ...__

**Hey Dad, it's me! If u dun know who 'me' is, consider yourself a horrible father. JK! XD**

**PS I got ur num from Uncle Sev**

Send Message to: Dad ?

Message Sent to Dad

_... ... ..._

You Have A New Message!  
><span>From: Dad<span>

_My dearest Dragon,_

_Of course I would know who you are! :-) __I am rather sorry for not informing you sooner; I'm currently in the process of adding my business contacts to my phone. Times are changing in the Wizarding world, and as a businessman I must keep up with them._

_Love,_  
><em>Dad<em>

_P.S. Now that you have a phone, I expect messages from you before curfew to let me know that you are going to sleep._

__... ... ...__

You Have A New Message!  
><span>From: Uncle Sev<span>

_Your punctuation and grammar is appalling. Why would you use a semi colon before closing a bracket that has not even been opened yet?_

__... ... ...__

You Have A New Message!  
><span>From: Uncle Sev<span>

_What kind of word is lol and jk?_

__... ... ...__

**Just talked 2 father, apparently he doesn't want 2 b as old as he (is) seems, n apparently the solution is to get a phone. AKML.**

Send Message to: Uncle Sev ?

Message Sent to Uncle Sev

_... ... ..._

You Have A New Message!  
><span>From: Uncle Sev<span>

_Lucius is irritated that I told you he has a cellular phone._

__... ... ...__

**DAD WHY THE HECK DON'T YOU WANT ME TO HAVE YOUR NUMBER**

Send Message to: father who doesn't even love the product of his own sperm ?

Message Sent to father who doesn't even love the product of his own sperm

_... ... ..._

**OMG Sev I CANNOT believe u don't know about emoticons. How log have u had ur phone?)**

Send Message to: Uncle Sev ?

Message Sent to Uncle Sev

_... ... ..._

***?**

Send Message to: Uncle Sev ?

Message Sent to Uncle Sev

_... ... ..._

You Have A New Message!  
><span>From: Uncle Sev<span>

_Log?_

__... ... ...__

**Lol I know :D**

Send Message to: Uncle Sev ?

Message Sent to Uncle Sev

_... ... ..._

**lol- Laugh out loud  
>Jk- just kidding<strong>

Send Message to: Uncle Sev ?

Message Sent to Uncle Sev

_... ... ..._

You Have A New Message!  
><span>From: Uncle Sev<span>

_Lucius wants me to tell you he's angry you got a cellular phone without his permission._

__... ... ...__

**Oh, now who's the immature one, using Sev as ur messenger to avoid confrontation. At least tell the poor sod to stop using the phrase 'cellular phone'.**

**We are continuing this dicsussion at home, Father.**

Send Message to: father who doesn't even love the product of his own sperm ?

Message Sent to father who doesn't even love the product of his own sperm

_... ... ..._

**Sev, brush up on ur phone slang.**

Send Message to: Uncle Sev ?

Message Sent to Uncle Sev

_... ... ..._

You Have A New Message!  
><span>From: Uncle Sev<span>

_What is :D__?_

__... ... ...__

**Father can do it himseld**

Send Message to: Uncle Sev ?

Message Sent to Uncle Sev

_... ... ..._

***himself**

Send Message to: Uncle Sev ?

Message Sent to Uncle Sev

_... ... ..._

**Look at that sideways.**

Send Message to: Uncle Sev ?

Message Sent to Uncle Sev

_... ... ..._

You Have A New Message!  
><span>From: Uncle Sev<span>

_Very well._

__... ... ...__

You Have A New Message!  
><span>From: Uncle Sev<span>

_Oh it's a face._

__... ... ...__

***smacks face* my god...**

Send Message to: Uncle Sev ?

Message Sent to Uncle Sev

_... ... ..._

**See? I put those faces and such so I dun have to do them in real life.**

Send Message to: Uncle Sev ?

Message Sent to Uncle Sev

_... ... ..._

You Have A New Message!  
><span>From: Uncle Sev<span>

_Sigh tell your father I'm not an owl._

__... ... ..._  
><em>

**Like right now I can put this :D ****when I actually look calm.**

Send Message to: Uncle Sev ?

Message Sent to Uncle Sev

_... ... ..._

**Look up Sev**

Send Message to: Uncle Sev ?

Message Sent to Uncle Sev

_... ... ..._

**Tell him urself Sev, he's angry at me rmbr**

Send Message to: Uncle Sev ?

Message Sent to Uncle Sev

_... ... ..._

You Have A New Message!  
><span>From: father who doesn't even love the product of his own sperm<span>

_Draco, I'm sorry._

__... ... ...__

**Shut up. I pleasantly assure you that Mother will hear about this.**

Send Message to: father who doesn't even love the product of his own sperm ?

Message Sent to father who doesn't even love the product of his own sperm

_... ... ..._

You Have A New Message!  
><span>From: Uncle Sev<span>

_What? Why are you laughing?_

__... ... ..._  
><em>

**It's an EXAMPLE Sev. AKML. Again.**

Send Message to: Uncle Sev ?

Message Sent to Uncle Sev

_... ... ..._

You Have A New Message!  
><span>From: Uncle Sev<span>

_I'm not going to be your bloody messenger Draconis Lucius Malfoy._

__... ... ...__

**Wait, does mother have one too?**

Send Message to: Uncle Sev ?

Message Sent to Uncle Sev

_... ... ..._

You Have A New Message!  
><span>From: Uncle Sev<span>

_What is akml?_

__... ... ...__

**Gotta ask Harry, hold on**

Send Message to: Uncle Sev ?

Message Sent to Uncle Sev

_... ... ..._

**Oh, and AKML- Avada kedavra my life**

Send Message to: Uncle Sev ?

Message Sent to Uncle Sev

_... ... ..._

You Have A New Message!  
><span>From: Uncle Sev<span>

_Narcissa has what she calls a blackberry._

__... ... ...__

You Have A New Message!  
><span>From: Uncle Sev<span>

_Wait you have Harry's number?_

__... ... ...__

You Have A New Message!  
>From: Uncle Sev<p>

_I mean Potter_

___... ... ...___

**OMFG why does everyone have my parents numbers but me**

Send Message to: Uncle Sev ?

Message Sent to Uncle Sev

__... ... ...__

**?**

Send Message to: Uncle Sev ?

Message Sent to Uncle Sev

__... ... ...__

You Have A New Message!  
><span>From: Uncle Sev<span>

_Wait your mother has a message for me._

___... ... ...___

**Harry?**

Send Message to: Uncle Sev ?

Message Sent to Uncle Sev

__... ... ...__

You Have A New Message!  
><span>From: Uncle Sev<span>

_She wants me to forward it. How do I do that?_

___... ... ...___

You Have A New Message!  
><span>From: Uncle Sev<span>

_... Yes Harry._

___... ... ...___

**Lol there's a button 4 dat**

Send Message to: Uncle Sev ?

Message Sent to Uncle Sev

__... ... ...__

**If u get to call him Harry I get to call him Harry too**

Send Message to: Uncle Sev ?

Message Sent to Uncle Sev

__... ... ...__

You Have A New Message!  
><span>From: Uncle Sev<span>

_Is it in options?_

___... ... ...___

**YES SEV. Explore your phone for God's sake**

Send Message to: Uncle Sev ?

Message Sent to Uncle Sev

__... ... ...__

You Have A New Message!  
><span>From: Uncle Sev<span>

_Draco sweetie pie make sure to be home for dinner Blaise is visiting! Love mummy :)_

___... ... ...___

**Btw see the magic that is this phone? We r having a conversation without talking this whole time! XD**

Send Message to: Uncle Sev ?

Message Sent to Uncle Sev

__... ... ...__

**OH MY GOD MOTHER**

Send Message to: Uncle Sev ?

Message Sent to Uncle Sev

__... ... ...__

**hey send me mothers num will you**

Send Message to: Uncle Sev ?

Message Sent to Uncle Sev

__... ... ...__

You Have A New Message!  
><span>From: Uncle Sev<span>

_... I have to go Minerva is looking at me like I'm going to turn into a woman._

___... ... ...___

You Have A New Message!  
><span>From: Uncle Sev<span>

_You mother does not wish for me for me to tell you._

___... ... ...___

**? Why? Tell me cuz I'm not looking up**

Send Message to: Uncle Sev ?

Message Sent to Uncle Sev

__... ... ...__

**Why?**

Send Message to: Uncle Sev ?

Message Sent to Uncle Sev

__... ... ...__

You Have A New Message!  
><span>From: Uncle Sev<span>

_Goodbye Draco._

___... ... ...___

**Lol, just say bb or something**

Send Message to: Uncle Sev ?

Message Sent to Uncle Sev

__... ... ...__

**Hey wait u still didnt tell me why**

Send Message to: Uncle Sev ?

Message Sent to Uncle Sev


End file.
